Jealousy is Not The Villain

Many people struggle with jealousy within relationships, regardless of whether they are in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. But what exactly is jealousy? Broken down, jealousy is the fear of losing something or someone. For many it can be a visceral reaction, and is a rather uncomfortable emotion to experience. However, jealousy is a completely universal and normal human emotion. It is neither negative nor positive. It just is. It does not mean that something is wrong with you. 

The thing with jealousy is that you can experience this emotion and still respond in ways that are in alignment with your goals and values. It’s not so much the jealousy that matters; it is what we do with it. Jealousy, like any emotion, is communication. It can tell you plenty, such as where your priorities are, what you are afraid of, and what your insecurities are. The key to managing jealousy is looking at it like a friend emotion, rather than a foe emotion. 

For many people, particularly those that are in non-monogamous relationships, they see compersion as the opposite of jealousy. Compersion defined is the happiness you experience when you see another person happy. The joy for another’s joy. It is the feeling you get when you watch a child playing and laughing. Or when a family member succeeds at something they have been working towards. For many in non-monogamous relationship compersion is the goal. 

Jealousy and compersion are not opposites, however, and compersion should not be a goal.  It is possible to experience both emotions simultaneously, holding both emotions true at the same time. Many individuals come into therapy to deal with their jealousy in hopes of getting rid of it. I tell them that we don’t want to get rid of jealousy. We want to honour and make space for all of our emotions, and really reflect on what it is that jealousy is trying to communicate to us. The thing we DON’T want to do is allow jealousy to control us, and our behaviors. The jealousy may be valid, but that doesn’t validate or excuse the impulse to control, monitor our partners, or demand constant reassurance. 

What could jealousy be communicating? For many, as mentioned above, it’s highlighting one’s insecurities and fears. Learning to listen to that call, and go deeper into our awareness can be healing and even liberating. It might be communicating that a boundary or relationship agreement has not been honoured. For others, it might be about recognizing what might be lacking within the relationship. Once this is known, it is easier to communicate to your partner(s) what it is that you need to feel secure.   

You are normal for experiencing jealousy. You are not broken. Take the time to reflect and listen to what it is that it is trying to communicate to you. Feel it, without letting it dictate your behaviors. A healthy relationship is not necessarily one where jealousy is non-existent, but rather one where it can be communicated and discussed together.