Sitting with grief

With Master Practitioner in Clinical Counselling, Ruth Obi

Grief is many things at once. It can be heavy, quiet, loud, confusing, and sometimes strangely still. No two people carry it the same way, and I don't believe any of us, however long we have worked in this field, holds a complete vocabulary for it.

In many sessions, the most powerful tool a counsellor or therapist has is not a technique. It is presence, and the willingness to stay in silence with someone whose world has been shaken.

I recently attended a class on grief taught by David Kessler, and it was a great relief. It reminded me that, as therapists, we already hold the tools we need. What differs is timing: knowing when to speak and when to simply breathe alongside our clients, and when words would only get in the way.

When we grieve, many of us quietly hold ourselves accountable. We replay what happened and wonder what we could have done differently, as if the loss were a verdict on us. But grief is a moment and an encounter, and it deserves to be met with gentleness rather than blame. What you feel is real, and it is valid. Before anything else, it needs to be acknowledged.

From there, we begin from somewhere safe, and often that place is acceptance of what has gone: the person, the season of life, the thing we cannot get back. This may be the hardest part of all. It is painful enough to mourn something you have lost, and harder still when someone, somewhere, is encouraging you to accept it. If that has been your experience, please hear this: I hear you, and I see you in this time.

A good therapist knows that acceptance cannot be forced. We will move at your pace. We may nudge, gently, but we will never push. In these sessions, you hold the reins. You decide how fast, how far, and when to pause. Glide with it, knowing your helper is there to catch you so you don't fall.

If you are grieving, please know you don't have to face it alone. Sometimes it feels as though the floor is lava, and every step hurts. We may not be able to remove the lava, but we can walk across it together. Reach out to a counsellor, a therapist, a support group, or someone you trust. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is one of the bravest things a person can do.

As a helper in this profession, I have dedicated myself and my work to helping my clients carry these moments. You don't have to carry yours alone either.

-Ruth Obi, MPCC